Flaggernaut & Flaggabeaner

Of all the things you do and places you go in a single day there is rarely a time and place more suitable for spotting flag-worthy behavior than in your car. Although you may be flying past cars and pedestrians at fast speeds, the prudent and observant driver still has the chance to notice things like: the guy picking his nose in his Saturn, the blank stares of the people waiting for the bus, and the crack-whore at the street corner beating her sweater against the concrete because a/the crack on/in the pavement caused her to trip and drop her fried chicken.

Flag No. 1:

If I am able to notice these things, you should at least be able to notice the gigantic pothole that your car just crashed into. What is it with people who appear to just not try and avoid potholes? Why would you just fucking barrel your body and automobile through time and space without a care in the world? Why hit the pothole when you can easily avoid it? Seriously, what is the motivation here? I mean, I understand that prudent drivers can't go swerving around the road to miss every pothole they see - but at the same time, if you can't sacrifice that menial amount of brainpower to be alert enough to move your steering wheel a quarter of an inch to the right to avoid a veritable raping of your auto's undercarriage at the behest of the pavement, then you should not be permitted to drive (or have children). If you can't tear yourself away from the perfect (not so) rendition of "she bangs-she bangs" that you're belting like Susan Boyle from the driver-seat of your hatchback for two fucking seconds to maybe glance at fucking road in front of you, then I suggest you take a trip to the DMV (Discretely Molested Vagina - YOURS! Get it!?... No, me neither).

The point here is that you should at least safely try to avoid potholes... I mean, what are you fucking made of money so that you don't care that every 3 months your mechanic tells you that you need new tires/axles/etc...? Even if you are made of money (which I doubt, you fucking welfare-Flaggot), why subject your own body's undercarriage (you know, the balls and shit [i.e. "junk"]) to all the bouncing around of dropping your Miata into a sloppy road slit?

Whatever... just learn to drive.


Flag No. 2:

If you park inside of a gated parking lot which opens via "key-fob" (i.e. the little gray thing that remotely activates the swinging gate when you waive it next to the reader), you are a fucking psychopath not to spare the $0.99 that it takes to invest in a carabiner (you know, the things that mountain-climbers use to fasten themselves to the sides of mountains, and college students use to fasten their keys to the empty belt loop of their corduroys... speaking of which --> that's a Flag... I mean, who the fuck doesn't wear a belt!?). The point here is that when you pull up to the front of the gate, you know you're going to have to waive your fob by the reader to get the door to open... Why then would you permanently attach the fob to your big set of keys so that you have to turn off your car like a dumbass just to be able to reach your shapeless arm out of the window, activate the gate, insert the key back into the ignition, turn your car back on, and park before taking your Chipotle up to your room to watch a Tivo'd rerun of Top Chef?

The smart person just buys a fucking carabiner so that when they pull up to the gate, you just unhook the fob, activate the gate and be on your merry way (in this hypo, instead of Chipotle you have Korean Barbecue, and instead of watching Top Chef you watch two hookers fight over the Korean Barbecue). To do it any other way is just ludicrous and hence, flag-worthy. You know what, while writing this, I've decided that I feel so sorry for your stupid ass that I will buy you a carabiner and send it to you "FOB" --> Flag on Board, destination retard.

Enjoy Top Chef (oh, and Casey gets voted off tonight).