Trailer Trash

I'm introducing a new theme here on the long-dormant Flag or Not. Trailer Trash. Essentially, I'll post a trailer each week we'll see how often and then judge the entire movie based on their two minute commercial. We'll start with the end (for Nolan) of Batman.



The Dark Knight Rises. I'm sure I'm late to this party and the geeks around the internet have probably wet themselves/torn this trailer apart frame-by-frame. But screw it. I'll have my say damn it!

Number 1: Why so serious? Fans, Christopher Nolan, Hines Ward for some reason: settle down. This movie is going to be a let down. Your expectations are too high. Nothing will ever live up to this kind of hype. It's going to be an awesome movie, but it won't be as good as the second one and it will disappoint everyone and prove the haters right.

Who cares? Batman!

I can only assume by the terrible, awful, unintelligible voice that Bane (weird mask bad guy) is using is going to happen throughout the movie, which makes me assume that Christian Bale's Bat-voice isn't going anywhere either. I may have to see this in a deaf/hard of hearing theater so I can understand what mush-mask is saying. I had to rewind his ONE LINE in the trailer NINE times before I could figure it out.

The flying thing is stupid really stupid. You're going to sell enough toys, keep your Bat-Copter, Bat-Plane, Bat-Hovercraft or whatever to yourself.

Can we all agree that the utility belt is just a fashionable fanny-pack? No one's going to make fun of Batman for wearing one, well, maybe the Joker. That has nothing to do with this trailer. Just a Bat-observation.

Joseph Gordon Levitt (who I continuously mistake for Shia LaBeouf, until I see the actual talent that JGL possesses) had better not be Robin. JGL is great, he basically played Robin in Inception, but Robin ruins everything.

Catwoman is apparently part of the occupy Gotham movement and Bruce Wayne is definitely a One Percenter. It's obviously Nolan's commentary that the 1% are actually going to save everyone. Right? Also, catwoman's line about the storm coming, and the fat-cats getting their fill? THAT'S what you're putting in your trailer? Possibly the worst crap I've ever heard. Hopefully it's scratched (meow) from the movie.

There is something oddly poetic about the beginning of the trailer. I'll give them that. The juxtaposition of a child singing the Star Spangled Banner and a British person crying is hysterical. However, unrealistic. British people don't cry. Ever. It's a fact.

Obviously Nolan knows nothing about football. Would anyone even shed a tear if two entire football teams were swallowed up into the earth? Only if they missed Hines Ward. Or if somehow affected your fantasy team. Also, the stands are empty at that game, where are they playing? Cincinnati? If the Bengals were swallowed up by an evil genius would anyone notice? I wouldn't put it past Rex Ryan...I also wouldn't call Rex Ryan a genius, but that's neither here nor Bat.

Also, the weird prison with all the stairs or well (Orwellian) that is featured throughout this thing is getting dangerously close to cyberpunk.

In conclusion I give the trailer (not the movie, the trailer) a Dark Knight Rises Hand-Job flag. It's good, perhaps even very good, but not exactly what I had hoped and there is no such thing as a great hand-job (that's a blow-job).

Also I will refer to my wiener as the Dark Knight until I find a more apt moniker.

(new wiener name: The Apt Moniker)

Let's play, invent a sexual act: The Batman Hand-job, GO! Leave your suggestions in the comment area and the winner will get nothing my sincerest admiration.

OOPS! FULL OF FLAG

So I was in Target buying baby wipes and hand-sanitizer for two, um, unrelated reasons, when I saw this:



There are a few flag-worthy points here...

Number 1: seriously, who is eating this cereal? Are you a overweight twenty-something that is desperately trying to hold onto or re-create your childhood because your dad told you "You're a man now" after making you shoot your pet beagle, Biscuit, at the age of six? No? Me neither... Well, are you a mom who thinks to herself: "Well I have no control over my kids, and since they just eat around the wheat-balls in normal Captain Crunch, I may as well give them what they want for breakfast - MORE SUGAR!"? Well if you are, the fine people at General Millz have answered your prayers and given you just want you want - escape in a cardboard box. Congratulations for you, Flagmeister-Flex.

Number 2: what sort of marketing is this? I mean are we supposed to believe that the guy who controls the crunch-berry-to-wheat-ball-ratio just fell asleep at the wheel and totally botched the mixture? And then, the marketing geniuses over at the Millz were just like "Well, we've got way too many berries, so we may as well just chuck them all in a box and sell them to awaiting consumers? [see point 1 above...] If this was in fact the case, why would the marketing department point out the company's mistake? Shouldn't they have labeled the box "Yay! More Berries! ON PURPOSE!!!!" The "OOPS" just points out the fact that Captain Crunch's father was right - he is, and always will be a failure. Marketing flag ahoy.

Number 3: what sort of example is Captain Crunch setting for his adoring child consumers? This box just tells the kids that perfection isn't worth striving for - (once again reaffirming Captain Crunch Sr.'s (aka "Barry Crunch" - pun extremely intended...) belief that his son wasn't fit for the high seas. Kids these days need strong role models, not old men who wear the same clothes everyday and exhibit a frightening enthusiasm for children and balls. Roll. Model. Flag.

OOPS! ALL INSULTS!

Independence Flag

I love America. (feel free to hum your favorite patriotic tune whilst reading, some suggestions, The Battle Hymn of the Republic, The Star Spangled Banner, R-O-C-K In The U.S.A.) This Independence Day weekend I want to celebrate by laying around a pool and barbecuing. You know what else I want to do? Blow shit up. I want to shoot pyrotechnics into the sky and watch it explode and listen to the shocking boom of freedom. Attempting to ruin every single party for everyone is the flaggot (above pictured) and his ilk.

Why is buying fireworks illegal (though thankfully readily available)? Because of dingbats like this drunk bro who decided it'd be cool to light shit off his chest. Although, this flagtard was probably (regrettably) unharmed by this incident. We've all had our occasional Roman Candle wars, we've all thrown firecrackers and M-80s where we probably should not have, but I do not know a soul who has blown his hand off, or lit his face on fire. When dealing with fireworks, you must expect the worst, and because they are capable of such dire consequences they are thusly, wicked awesome. But you know what, I was raised with fireworks, I know that an M-80 can literally destroy an otherwise healthy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

But again, I was lucky enough to be raised by caring parents who told me not to explode. I don't know where to put the blame for these flagworthy assholes who blow themselves up, shoddy explosives, poor judgment, bad parenting or fucking ridiculous prohibition-type laws that don't make a lick of sense. Seriously, in PA they sell all kinds of fireworks, but they are illegal to use in PA and you can't buy them unless you have an out of state license (ie. NJ, NY), but the fireworks are also illegal to possess or use in most neighboring states (ie. NJ, NY). The fuck you say? So anyone who wants to celebrate liberty is forced to take matters into their own hands, and like Al Capone cross state lines with contraband George Washington cross the mighty Delaware River carrying quite a surprise for the tyrants who would stifle freedom and stamp out the fuse of liberty with the boot of oppression. So to all of you unpatriotic flagworthy pricks who want to ruin the 4th of July backyard fireworks that I love so dearly...well...Well you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen.

(continue humming)

Hate Hall of Fame

Here's some ALL TIME haters...

I didn't want to flag any of this, because basically it's a lot of my favorite hate. Some of these are more threats than insults. I guess there is a grey area, but still stick to your guns. Anyway, enjoy the hate...

Flaggernaut & Flaggabeaner

Of all the things you do and places you go in a single day there is rarely a time and place more suitable for spotting flag-worthy behavior than in your car. Although you may be flying past cars and pedestrians at fast speeds, the prudent and observant driver still has the chance to notice things like: the guy picking his nose in his Saturn, the blank stares of the people waiting for the bus, and the crack-whore at the street corner beating her sweater against the concrete because a/the crack on/in the pavement caused her to trip and drop her fried chicken.

Flag No. 1:

If I am able to notice these things, you should at least be able to notice the gigantic pothole that your car just crashed into. What is it with people who appear to just not try and avoid potholes? Why would you just fucking barrel your body and automobile through time and space without a care in the world? Why hit the pothole when you can easily avoid it? Seriously, what is the motivation here? I mean, I understand that prudent drivers can't go swerving around the road to miss every pothole they see - but at the same time, if you can't sacrifice that menial amount of brainpower to be alert enough to move your steering wheel a quarter of an inch to the right to avoid a veritable raping of your auto's undercarriage at the behest of the pavement, then you should not be permitted to drive (or have children). If you can't tear yourself away from the perfect (not so) rendition of "she bangs-she bangs" that you're belting like Susan Boyle from the driver-seat of your hatchback for two fucking seconds to maybe glance at fucking road in front of you, then I suggest you take a trip to the DMV (Discretely Molested Vagina - YOURS! Get it!?... No, me neither).

The point here is that you should at least safely try to avoid potholes... I mean, what are you fucking made of money so that you don't care that every 3 months your mechanic tells you that you need new tires/axles/etc...? Even if you are made of money (which I doubt, you fucking welfare-Flaggot), why subject your own body's undercarriage (you know, the balls and shit [i.e. "junk"]) to all the bouncing around of dropping your Miata into a sloppy road slit?

Whatever... just learn to drive.


Flag No. 2:

If you park inside of a gated parking lot which opens via "key-fob" (i.e. the little gray thing that remotely activates the swinging gate when you waive it next to the reader), you are a fucking psychopath not to spare the $0.99 that it takes to invest in a carabiner (you know, the things that mountain-climbers use to fasten themselves to the sides of mountains, and college students use to fasten their keys to the empty belt loop of their corduroys... speaking of which --> that's a Flag... I mean, who the fuck doesn't wear a belt!?). The point here is that when you pull up to the front of the gate, you know you're going to have to waive your fob by the reader to get the door to open... Why then would you permanently attach the fob to your big set of keys so that you have to turn off your car like a dumbass just to be able to reach your shapeless arm out of the window, activate the gate, insert the key back into the ignition, turn your car back on, and park before taking your Chipotle up to your room to watch a Tivo'd rerun of Top Chef?

The smart person just buys a fucking carabiner so that when they pull up to the gate, you just unhook the fob, activate the gate and be on your merry way (in this hypo, instead of Chipotle you have Korean Barbecue, and instead of watching Top Chef you watch two hookers fight over the Korean Barbecue). To do it any other way is just ludicrous and hence, flag-worthy. You know what, while writing this, I've decided that I feel so sorry for your stupid ass that I will buy you a carabiner and send it to you "FOB" --> Flag on Board, destination retard.

Enjoy Top Chef (oh, and Casey gets voted off tonight).

Knowledge (in the Biblical Sense) Flag

Don't know how many of you watch True Blood, but I do not. I make it a habit not to watch many TV shows in the summer, because:
A) I'm not a vampire and therefore have the ability to go outside,
B) If I am home I watch baseball and
C) If these shows were any good they would not be on in the summer. (And fuck you, I don't care if it is HBO it's still TV.)

I want to give a Red Flag to just about anything popular involving vampires...but vampires SHOULD by all accounts be totally kick-ass. From what I know about True Blood, it's basically a soap opera with soft-core porn scenes...so soft-core porn. I'll take it. Then they threw this scene out there, where the guy vampire hate-fucks some chick vampire and rips her head backwards and continues screwing her, it's totally brutal. In Toy Story, this is Mr. Potato head ripping Mrs. Potato Head's lips off before some of that good 'tater lovin'. (NOTE: avoid obvious potato "head" joke...dammit.)

I don't know what to flag here. The writers? I can't flag that kind of hate...Can I give them the first ever Flagornot "Extreme Hate Award"? Do I have to make up some kind of picture for an award now? I think I have a full blown hate-on (hate-boner? hate-pole? hate-rection. Definitely hate-rection). Since I cannot possibly flag this kind of impressive hatred. I will flag the woman behind (not in-front-of-with-her-head-turned-backwards awesome imaginary combination of necrophilia and "coitus more ferarum" ) of the series.
Charlaine Harris.

Seriously. This entire series was adapted from romance novels written by this backwoods Arkansas shut-in who spent hours upon hours writing about vampires doin' it. ("The vampires, they don't-a "do it"...they make-a-love.")

She seriously looks like a McNugget Buddy.

I vant to flag your knowledge of sex and relationships Ms. McNugget...

Go ahead, defend your flaggable obsession with vampires, lonely shut-ins.

(By the way, "Potato Head" would totally be an Irish sexual position if the Irish were allowed to do anything but create pale children in the missionary position)

Feng Shui Flag

Until we can figure out how to use those three shells from Demolition Man (he doesn't know how to use the three shells!), we are at the mercy of toilet paper. As a daily necessity, there are a myriad of questions I feel I need to ask about this shit (Wordplay!). Roll or Fold? Overhand or underhand? Do you even look? Does the pointed toilet paper strip at a hotel really make you feel any more comfortable in that probably filthy blood/urine/semen soaked room? (It does, doesn't it? "Oh look how cute the toilet paper is, they really truly do care, they even looked at the tiniest details!")

So what's the three most important attributes of a toilet paper roll? Location. Location. Location. I do not mean, where in the house the bathroom is located. I mean where in the bathroom the toilet paper is located. You may think I am lazy, but I dare you to not get frustrated after reaching around behind you to your left to get the requisite amounts of ass cleaners. Toilet paper rolls need to be within arms reach and on the right. Anywhere else is flaggable. Straight across so you have to lean forward and reach for the papes, absolutely not. Behind the toilet on the right or left? I hope you die in a horrific interior designing catastrophe. I don't care if your shower is right next to your toilet on the right and you physically cannot place the toilet paper there, it had better be in close quarters and I'm STILL going to hate you for the placement. If your roll is broke and you need to put it on top of the back, fine, because I can move it, but you need to get your shit fixed you lazy bastard. And while I'm on the topic, you better have a spare roll in arms reach. Even though I make it my business to make an assessment of the situation before I do my business, I'd still like to see a contingency plan in place.

And I do not care if you are Ned Flanders with your own leftorium. I have no regard for lefties. They are the minority and in my mind, not ridiculed nearly enough. You are living in a right handed world. Deal with it! Adapt or die. Just thinking of attempting to wipe my ass with my left hand makes me want to take a shower. Not because it would be difficult and my left hand is essentially useless, but because the thought of the "Sinister Stranger" near my most sensitive of areas makes me feel dirty...

Flag it up, flush it down.