A Companion Piece to 'Flagship'

Fellow Haters,

Thanks to social media, we live in a world that makes it incredibly easy for us to catch up with old friends and distant relatives. Websites like Facebook and Twitter allow us to give them birthday greetings, see photos of their pets, and watch their child’s dance recital. It’s really wonderful, isn’t it?

However, there is a dark side to social media—and that dark side comes in the form of the creepy, anti-social guy (or gal) that you haven’t spoken to since high school and who is taking advantage of your pity acceptance of their friend request to stalk the shit out of you on said websites. That is not cool. That is not acceptable. These people deserve to be flagged so that other ordinary people who abide by customary social norms can avoid them.

Here is some background information: several months to a year or so ago, I received Facebook friend requests from two unrelated gentlemen that I went to high school with. I hardly spoke to either one of them during high school, but in the spirit of friendship and school spirit (Go Bears!) I accepted both of their friend requests. I even allowed one of them to follow me on Twitter. I now regret my decisions.

You see, since I accepted those friend requests and such, I have been stalked to within an inch of my life.
Perhaps not literally stalked, in the John-Hinckley-Jr. “I’m-going-to-shoot-Reagan-to-impress-Jodie-Foster” sense of the word, but both of these gentlemen will NOT leave me alone.

One gentleman (lets call him Freak #1) never ceases to post nerd humor-related links on my Facebook wall. (Disclaimer: I am a nerd. I enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Back to Future, Indiana Jones, etc. etc.) What bothers me is that this person thinks that because we were both geeks in high school and we both enjoy nerdy things, that we’re pop-culture soulmates. That we complete each other. That if he only had the guts to pull a Lloyd Dobler in high school and stood outside my bedroom window, hoisted a boom box and blared Peter Gabriel, that we would be together today and I’d be his date to a Cosplay convention. Note: this is not me being egotistical. He once cornered me on Facebook chat and asked me how I thought my life would be different if I had dumped my high school sweetheart and dated him. I promptly logged off. Yeahhhhhh, that was never going to happen, even back then when I had braces and listened to Third Eye Blind. I knew you were a freak when you would magically show up to my friends’ parties, despite no one ever fucking inviting you. In fact, we took great pains to keep those parties from you, because inevitably, you'd show up, stand in the corner and stare at the real humans having fun. It was like you had a police scanner and would listen in to our phone conversations to find out where we’d be.

The other gentleman (let’s call him Freak #2) follows me on Twitter. And when I say follow, I fucking mean follow. Nary a tweet goes by without his fucking stalker having something to say about it. If I happen to mention what movie I’m watching, I will inevitably get a reply from him containing an Ebert-esque critique of the movie I’m enjoying. Or, he will gush to me about how happy he is that I’m watching a particular TV show because no one else could POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND the subtle nuances of that show like him and I. Freak #2, you’re not Ebert. I don’t give a fuck what you have to say. In fact, I wish you were Ebert, because you wouldn’t have a fucking voicebox. Nah, scratch that. I wish you were Siskel because then you’d be fucking dead.

Freak #1 and #2, we are not soulmates. We are not even friends. We are acquaintances at best. Because I friended on you on Facebook or allowed you to follow me on Twitter, doesn’t mean that we have a relationship in the real world. In fact, perhaps you should get off your fucking computer and join the real world. To me (and every other normal person on the planet) social media supplants your existing relationships. It doesn’t create them.

And another thing Freak #2, stop sending me links to your blogs, Tumblrs, Formsprings, or any other website you abuse so you can feel like more of an individual. I’m so fucking sick of reading about your unique take on the world, what art film you’re currently watching, or what pop musician whose music you’re panning. Haven't you noticed that NO ONE comments on your "cry for help" Facebook statuses? You’re not unique. You’re not special. You’re just every other unemployed fucktard out there who would rather crap his time away on the Internet than pick up a newspaper and scan the want ads. Oh and memo to Freak #2, Gondry and Soderbergh aren’t going to see your shittily-edited student film on Vimeo and offer you your own film to direct. Give up the dream. Get yourself down to The Container Store or Cracker Barrel (order me a sweet tea and country vegetable plate while you're there), and fill out a job application. You’ll thank me later.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Freak #1. I do not understand your unique plight. I do not WANT to understand your unique plight. I have a significant other, and I suggest you work on finding your own. I hear they’re still accepting submissions at SociallyAwkwardShutInsLookingForOtherSociallyAwkwardShutIns.com.



These people deserve to be flagged. They need to be flagged, so others can avoid them like the way job offers avoid a non-Alec Baldwin brother. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have about half a dozen Dune-related posts to delete from my Facebook wall and some people to block on Twitter.