Feng Shui Flag

Until we can figure out how to use those three shells from Demolition Man (he doesn't know how to use the three shells!), we are at the mercy of toilet paper. As a daily necessity, there are a myriad of questions I feel I need to ask about this shit (Wordplay!). Roll or Fold? Overhand or underhand? Do you even look? Does the pointed toilet paper strip at a hotel really make you feel any more comfortable in that probably filthy blood/urine/semen soaked room? (It does, doesn't it? "Oh look how cute the toilet paper is, they really truly do care, they even looked at the tiniest details!")

So what's the three most important attributes of a toilet paper roll? Location. Location. Location. I do not mean, where in the house the bathroom is located. I mean where in the bathroom the toilet paper is located. You may think I am lazy, but I dare you to not get frustrated after reaching around behind you to your left to get the requisite amounts of ass cleaners. Toilet paper rolls need to be within arms reach and on the right. Anywhere else is flaggable. Straight across so you have to lean forward and reach for the papes, absolutely not. Behind the toilet on the right or left? I hope you die in a horrific interior designing catastrophe. I don't care if your shower is right next to your toilet on the right and you physically cannot place the toilet paper there, it had better be in close quarters and I'm STILL going to hate you for the placement. If your roll is broke and you need to put it on top of the back, fine, because I can move it, but you need to get your shit fixed you lazy bastard. And while I'm on the topic, you better have a spare roll in arms reach. Even though I make it my business to make an assessment of the situation before I do my business, I'd still like to see a contingency plan in place.

And I do not care if you are Ned Flanders with your own leftorium. I have no regard for lefties. They are the minority and in my mind, not ridiculed nearly enough. You are living in a right handed world. Deal with it! Adapt or die. Just thinking of attempting to wipe my ass with my left hand makes me want to take a shower. Not because it would be difficult and my left hand is essentially useless, but because the thought of the "Sinister Stranger" near my most sensitive of areas makes me feel dirty...

Flag it up, flush it down.